i just wanna soil my oats bro
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
