he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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