last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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