omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
