I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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