my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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