My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
