I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
