I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
