I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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