happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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