Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
