Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
