there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
