I wish my penis had an off switch
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
no, he came in my armpit
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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