I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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