I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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