The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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