I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
