i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
