hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
