No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
