it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
