You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
