how do flat chested girls get laid?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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