I hate your face
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You ruined the universe
Randomize
