i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
