How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
