Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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