Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
