hotel room ftw
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
