just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
