So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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