I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
