your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
