Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
