when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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