it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
