Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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