I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
