I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
