Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
