my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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