she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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