I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
