She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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