ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
