Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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