Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
