Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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