Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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