so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
