I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
